On friday, august 28, 2009, i found out i was pregnant. the next day, i had to tell dan. so, i thought i would share my journal entry about that two day experience. hope you enjoy.....
"Lullaby" (by the dixie chicks, i like to sing it to him)
They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
September 16, 2009-seven weeks and 2 days
it has been exactly two weeks and five days since the surprise of finding out the fact that i am pregnant. WOW. it has been unbelievably crazy. i'm not sure why it has taken me so long to start this journal. i think it is because the shock factor is starting to fade. sort of....
so first, i guess i should mention that for some reason, at this point in my life, i had come to the conclusion that i would have a very difficult time getting pregnant or wouldn't be able to get pregnant at all. i took a normal, at home, urine test on August 20, 2009 and it was negative. i honestly thought i was late due to the fact of the stress my body had been under the last couple of weeks. learning the news of B.J. (my cousin) being killed in a accident, going back home to tulsa to the funeral and being so sad. so the following week when i still hadn't started, the girls and i at work joked and said "what would you say to dan if you were pregnant?" and i said, "i know my body, there is just no way!!" i was so confident that i wasn't pregnant and we continued to joke and one of the girls said you could say to him "oh by the way, the funniest thing happened to me today!" Little did i know.
Pregnant megan (my co-worker) had an extra test and she said she would bring it to work just so i could clarify that it was negative. so, on August 28, 2009, first thing friday morning, i went in the restroom, changed my clothes and casually "peed" on the stick. i just knew it would be negative. as i confidently waited to see the results, i was extremely calm. and as soon as the second line faintly appeared, i thought "wait, is two lines pregnant, and if it is, they look like they are too far apart as compared to what the sample showed." i ran into the back of the office and grabbed megan and said "come and look at this, am i reading this correctly, there is just no way." She looked at the stick and grabbed my arm and said "Okay crystal" and i knew, i just knew, it was true. I can't even describe the feeling that overtook my body. a sea of warmth swallowed me whole. my heart pounding as if i was running a marathon. i was shaking like a leaf on a windy day and immediately, i wanted to take another test. My first patient is waiting in the front completely unaware of what is happening to his "teeth cleaner" in the back of the office. my life was changing as he was probably looking at his wristwatch thinking "why am i still waiting out here." i didn't know what to do. i was just in shock. sara ran across to safeway to purchase another test. i cried, cried, cried, and cried. i always thought that i would be so excited for this moment and it was nothing like i thought it would be. and then the thought of dan rolled over me. what am i going to tell him? is he going to upset? what will he want? i just wanted to pee again. sara, made it back and i performed the test again with a very shaky hand. and sure enough, same results, i just couldn't believe it. i called zac and just cried in the phone, he asked me what was wrong, i couldn't even talk. he just waited silently to hear what i had to say. i'm pacing in the back courtyard of the office and finally was able to pull myself together to tell him. he said everything was going to be okay but i shouldn't trust a "piss stick, and call the doctor." i explained to him there isn't anyway to get a false positive and he still said "call the doctor." so, i called the doctor immediately and said i wanted to make an appointment for blood work or a more official test. the lady said "did you take a test?" i said, "yes, two" and she said "were they negative?" i said "no, both were positive." and she said "well, then you are pregnant," and i said "i just want to see the doctor." so she made me an appointment at 12:30. I saw my first patient and he was so rude. my nose was runny due to all the crying i had done and he asked me if i had the flu and seemed concerned about his health. i just thought in my head, he has no idea what is going on with me...and how i was wishing it was just the flu at this point! MY life is already completely different and so is dan's and he doesn't even know it yet. it is crazy how it just happens in an instant.
September 19, 2009
I texted dan to see if he was working the morning shift and he responded with a "yes." which meant if he was already there, and he would be there until 3:00 a.m. I immediately knew i wouldn't able to tell him until the following day. i was so nervous and i didn't want to have to wait but i knew i had to. Sara managed to re-sechedule my next few hours of patients and i raced to zac's work. i don't know why it made me feel better just going to see him. so, i just sat and talked with him for about ten minutes and we were both just so surprised. i asked him how i should tell dan and he said "there isn't any beating around the bush, you are just going to have to tell him." i was having a hard time just even fathoming the process of telling him. i can't even explain what i felt on the inside. besides the fact that this wasn't the plan. i didn't even really know him that well. i was going to bring a child into the world with someone i had only known for five months. i realized the situation was less than ideal. i knew he was an amazing person but i wasn't madly in love with him and that is how i always imagined my first pregnancy being. But.......it just wasn't the case. i left zac's work and headed back to my work to get my wallet i had forgotten. sara ran it out to the car for me and told me that everything was going to be okay. i drove to the OB office and was more nervous than ever before in my life and felt alone. i walked in and the woman at the front desk looked at me as if it was so normal that i was coming in to find out that i was pregnant! i guess for her it was, and most women are probably really excited at this point. i filled out all the paper work and gave a urine sample. when the nurse called me to the back, i asked if she tested the urine and she said "no, that there wasn't a real reason if the two i took came back positive." i just wanted her to test it. she said "we can do a ultrasound and if we can't see anything then we will test it, but we shouldn't waste the money on the urine test." she seemed so excited for me and i was so upset. she said everything was going to be okay. seemed like that was the only thing anybody could say. it didn't feel like it. When dr. bowman entered the room, she also seemed so excited and here i am just trying to digest all of this. so, she asked me all different sorts of questions and the performed a vaginal ultrasound. she said "yes, there is the gestational sac but the embryo is too small to detect and therefore, couldn't give me a due date or how far along i was." i just thought and said, "so, in that sac there will be a fetus and i will have a due date?" and she said, "yes." it was official at that moment. there was no turning back. i was still struggling with how i was going to tell dan. so, we finished the appointment, she printed me the picture of the gestational sac, i checked out and set up another appointment in three weeks. i thought to myself, maybe i shouldn't schedule it on a friday in case dan was coming with me but i just went ahead and scheduled because at this point, i couldn't even think clearly. i left the office and headed back to work to finish the day that i, oh so badly didn't want to do. i just kept thinking, dan is at work and has no idea what is going on right now and what i am going through. i wanted to call my mom but seeing is they were coming to visit the following week for labor day, i wanted to talk to dan first and see if he was comfortable meeting them after they knew or if he wanted to wait to tell them until after he met them. i just wanted him to be completely comfortable. i knew my mom's feelings would be hurt for not calling her immediately but the situation wasn't what i would have expected it to be nor what i really wanted. the rest of the day at work was just a haze i don't even really remember working. i feel sorry for those patients. ha. on the drive home, i called keegan. i wanted to get his opinion on how i should break the news to dan. and he had the same advice as zac. that i just had to tell him. it sounded so easy. but i didn't feel like it was going to be. keegan was so excited and said that it was such miraculous thing. deep down i knew that it was, but i was still in shock. when i got home, zac was already there and thank god because he was the biggest support system for me that night. we talked and talked and he assured me everything was going to be fine and dan would take it better than i was giving him credit. regardless of anything anyone could say, i didn't sleep a wink that night and woke at 5:30 a.m. i knew that i had to let dan sleep a little longer because he had worked such a long shift and had another one that evening. so i showered, and waited for the clock to hit 10:00 and i couldn't wait any longer. i called and he didn't answer but he called me back within a couple minutes and i just said, "i'm coming into town and was going to stop by." he said, "you should."
September 20, 2009
The twenty-five minute drive to town was the longest i had ever driven. i talked to val, anna, and hayli for a quick pep talk and to get re-assurance that everything was going to be okay. i can't even explain how i felt on my way and the moment i pulled into the driveway. i thought to myself, "here goes, i'm about to change his life forever." i walked inside and realized he was still in bed. i walked down stairs and opened his bedroom door. He was asleep, i sat on the bed and he said "hey." i responded with a sigh and with closed eyes he said, "what's up?" i began to cry and managed to get out "i don't know how i am going to say what i'm about to tell you" and then i began to cry again. i took a few moments and then i just said it. i said "i'm pregnant." he didn't say anything for what seemed to be an eternity, but in all reality was probably only five seconds. and he asked me if i was okay and put his arms around me. i told him "no, not at all" and i continued to cry. i got into bed with him and he just held me. we began to somewhat talk about it but having moments of stale silence. Neither one of us knew what we were supposed to do. i just kept thinking this isn't real nor is it the plan. i asked him if he wanted me to leave so he could have some time to just think about everything and he said that wasn't necessary. He said he wasn't ready for all of this and i agreed. he said he had been wanting to get a dog and hadn't because of the responsibility....i agreed. he also said he wasn't madly in love with me and that this situation is trying on a relationship that is "PERFECT." i knew he wasn't "madly" in love with me he didn't need to tell me that. although i knew that, it wasn't easy to hear. i had always imagined this situation as being with a husband that i had been with for a while, experienced many different things with and was so deeply in love with and him, with me and that this was just the next step in our relationship because it was just the next step. but again, it just wasn't the case. we both felt like we weren't really close to each other but at the same time hadn't really given it a chance. neither one of us were looking to be in a serious relationship, therefore, probably both put up some walls of self-protection. well, if anything can knock those walls down, it is this. by this time, i knew i would keep the baby. i just couldn't even fathom not keeping it. i didn't blatantly come out and say that to dan. i didn't want to overwhelm him. after a couple of hours of lying beside each other, we decided to get up and eat. he made a pizza and i didn't have much of an appetite. we ate almost completely in silence and then moved to the patio where we sat and discussed every situation possible. i was so scared and just remember crying the majority of the day. dan never cried. i'm not sure it even hit him that day and i will tell you later when i think it actually did. he had to get ready for work and before he left he gave me, what felt like, the first genuine hug and said "everything was going to be okay." at this point, i wasn't so sure of that. i left with a feeling of relief from just being able to tell him but still the anxiety of what he wanted and how he felt. if ever a time i could know his thoughts and feelings, this was it! i was so concerned with him, almost forgetting that i am a part of this also. it was almost like i knew that this was happening with or without him but the difference would be how easy it was going to be. it was definitely going to be difficult without a partner. that night was just hard because i knew my life was already so different. I felt somewhat alone but i also knew he needed some time to absorb it. Again i didn't sleep at all, just anxious for the next day to arrive so i could get a better understanding as to where dan stood. The next day we decided to go play tennis. I arrived at his house and we gave each other a hug, felt somewhat awkward but good at the same time. When we walked outside, i patted my ski rack and said, "i guess i won't be needing this and can store it for the season." Dan looked at me and said, "i guess that means you made your decision?" when all along, i think he always knew. I explained to him how i was having such a hard time with the decision because i couldn't have an a abortion. (let me add that he never once told me that is what should be done.) it's just always an option in less than ideal situations. i told him that it wasn't in me to do and he reiterated that he would never ask me to do something that i wasn't comfortable doing nor was he sure that was what he wanted. i hated the fact that he had no say in the decision but i would be determining his future....that was the hardest part for me. he would never not be involved in this if i decided to have it...i just didn't want him to feel like i was ruining his life by the decision i was making. it was a lot of pressure for me but i knew what was right for me. i knew when it comes down to it..nobody will let anyone else ruin their life and if that is the way he felt then he could decide that for himself and then make his decision. but he continued to say it wasn't in him to not be involved and just let his child be running around without having a relationship with it. And that is why he is so amazing. (Your father is amazing) That was the moment we both decided we wanted to do this. We realized everything would work out. We were in it, and in it together. That was the best feeling i had felt in the last two days and was ready to get past all the negative ones.
The day that we went to the second appointment (sept 16, 2009). Dan came along with me. We were both excited but nervous. As we sat in the waiting room, i complete all the necessary prenatal care forms. which asked for the fathers info, and another wave of reality hit me. he sat and read a magazine, as i anticipated my name being called. who knows what he was thinking, he probably wasn't even reading. ;) The nurse called my name and we both walked back to the room. She told us the doctor was going to do a pap first and then she would do the ultrasound to listen to the heart beat. when the nurse left, i started to change my clothes and dan asked me if i wanted him to leave when she did the pap. i told him i had no idea what we were supposed to do but it wouldn't bother me if he stayed in the room. he said he just wanted me to be comfortable and i said that at this point i don't think i can be uncomfortable. the doctor entered the room and asked us some family history questions and then she told dan he could stand at my head. so we went with the flow of things. she performed the pap. dan was looking at me not knowing what to think. thankfully, it didn't take longer than two minutes. ha. then she did a vaginal ultrasound. we could actually see the baby in the sac unlike last time. then she showed us the heart beat. she had me hold my breath so we could hear it. and i think that is the moment it all hit dan. he said to us that he needed to sit down, he felt like he was going to pass out. i didn't believe him at first, until i looked at him. Dr. Bowman said, "oh please sit down." he was white and somewhat sweaty. i felt bad for him. he said that it was so hot in the room, he hadn't had anything to eat, and she was sticking all this stuff up me. It was really exciting to hear the sound of the heart beat. it was definitely real from this point on.
I managed to keep a journal throughout most of the pregnancy. it is so crazy to look back and think of the fact that i didn't think it was the plan. Now i know, there is a plan and this was it. one of my favorite quotes, "life happens when you are trying to plan it." Daniel is amazing, Beckett is amazing, our friends and family are amazing, being a mother is amazing, and life is amazing. i couldn't imagine not having what i have now and have never been so in love in my life. i now feel like i truly know what LOVE means. thank you to the most important people in my life. i love you all!
